Emotions

I really suck at dealing with my emotions, because they are so often out of wack. The problem is that ignoring them doesn't always make things better. However, giving in to feelings like anxiety can make them worse, because it encourages your brain to take that path under the guise of "protecting you". So, pretty much every day, I fight out the battle of "should I listen to how bad I feel or should I force myself to do something that I don't really want to do today?". How do I know if my desire to stay home and rest is a helpful one (because there has been a lot of disruption recently) or an unhelpful one (because I am letting my anxiety drive me)?

Today, I felt moody. I was frustrated, because a big shipment of painting supplies was supposed to come but wasn't delivered because I wasn't home. Except that I was home all day and got the second half of the delivery. Now, I have to wait until Monday for them to try and deliver again, and I worry that they won't actually deliver the things again. It is hard to communicate with people about this, because the delivery people often don't speak English. This, of course, is my problem, but it is no less stressful that I can't communicate with them. Anyway, I was tired and fussy and didn't feel like going to the gaming night. And then, I had to go through the stressful battle of "should I listen to myself?" like usual. In the end, I managed to miscalculate and not be ready to leave in time. Of course, that could be subconscious sabotage (my bassoon teacher always used to say that if you need to breathe, then your brain will make your fingers make a mistake, so that you can stop and take a breath).

Anyway, what I realized after all the angst today is that I have massively underestimated how long it will probably take for me to recover from doing too much. The first time, I kind of broke down from doing too much after I got sick, it took me six months to recover. The second time, it took me a year and a half. Especially if I combine recovering with weight loss, which always makes me crazy, I think that assuming I'll be recovered in weeks is unrealistic.

I'm going to try to make more of an effort to listen to what I'm feeling and not constantly second guess myself. I will try to go out regularly for walks, even if I feel tired, because that is good for me and keeps my blood sugar down. However, if I'm not feeling social, I think it is okay for me to bow out of social activities. I have been fairly good at identifying when I'm letting my anxiety drive me. Maybe not pushing down all my feelings would be helpful. We'll see.