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Drama, Medication, Cheating, and Morality
Jan. 17th, 2018 04:45 pmOh, the drama! So, the Peace Corps has a lot of problems. I am distantly affiliated with a group that works to fix these problems (in that I helped start it but now am not involved for personality conflict reasons). Miraculously, some progress is being made, and there are bills in both the House and Senate to fix some of these problems. The main differences between these two bills seem to be related to former volunteers who are still sick because of their service, specifically an increase in pay and Department of Labor (who oversee our cases) reform.
Of course, on Facebook, this has devolved into a nasty fight. The House bill is delayed, because the increase in pay is problematic. The Senate bill, supported by the mother of a volunteer who died, is being rushed through without a pay increase or DoL reforms. Clearly, everyone wants volunteers to get help. The problem is that most likely if the DoL-related reforms don't get included now, we'll never see them. This is disappointing for me, but I have already constructed my life in expectation that these things will never happen. However, there are a good number of really sick former volunteers who desperately need these changes. However, the debate has gone down the road of "you are against volunteers if you don't support this bill". It is sad to see us fighting each other over the scraps the government throws us.
In partially related news, my fasting blood sugar has been creeping up. That is bad. I'm sure that you can imagine how I feel seeing it slowly rising, knowing that every point it goes up is one step closer to the day I'll need insulin. I had started taking vanadium again to try and force it back to normal, but it was making my stomach hurt and wasn't helping my blood sugar. I also was noticing an increase in my anxiety immediately after taking my vitamins. I thought that splitting them into two doses might help, and it did. Then, I got disorganized and missed the second dose (of vitamin C, niacinamide, and vitamin D). I had more energy the next day and less anxiety. That was new. I have been cutting back on vitamin C anyway, as I wasn't sure it was helping (even though previously I thought it was). My teeth are starting to recover, which is really nice, as the front ones had lost all their smoothness.
After missing my vitamins, I started to get more mefloquine symptoms, like being really fussy about being touched. However, the next morning, my blood sugar was back to being just a tad below normal. Yesterday, I repeated this, taking only 1000 mg of C, 500 mg of niacinamide, and 1000 iu of D, and once again, I was fussy last night about being touched and having anything near my face or ears, but I think I'm experiencing less anxiety, and my blood sugar was just where it should have been this morning. I'll continue to adjust my vitamins, but this is at least a very useful data point.
In other partially related news, I've been having a terrible time controlling my eating. My anxiety spikes when I start running out of/low on calories, and I don't care enough about my weight to stop myself from stuffing myself full of almonds, peanuts, coconut, and cheese. Now, these are all high fat, low carb foods that aren't going to spike my blood sugar (because I don't have a death wish), but I still gain weight quickly when I eat and eat and eat. I think my calorie requirements vary by the day, so one day my menu plan will be enough, and another day it won't be. I need to eventually come up with a way to handle these changing requirements. For the moment, to get myself under control, I'm trying having a "cheat day". I hate this idea, because a healthy diet shouldn't require a day off. I'm clearly doing something wrong. I probably need to add more fat, but with my weight already higher than I'd like, I'm unsure if eating more fat is really the solution. So, anyway, cheat day. After one week of trying this, I have to say that it helped a lot. I am no longer required to have an infinite amount of willpower. Now, I can say, "No, you'll stuff yourself with almonds on Tuesday." Almost immediately, my cravings go away, and I calm down. And yesterday, Tuesday, I did stuff myself with high fat, low carb treats. I might need to plan my menu for Tuesday to take into consideration that I'm going to be full by dinner time, which means that I need a tiny dinner. However, I didn't actually gain much weight, and I'm less stressed about my eating. So, cheat day works for now. I need to lose very little weight, so in about a month, I'll have to increase my daily fat intake, but at least for now, things are working.
Now, onto a different topic that we fight about on Facebook: politics. I'm not actually going to talk about politics, but I was pleased to finally have an answer to my question, "What do you do when all options you are given are bad ones?" You might remember that I previously mentioned watching a video series and trying to find other sources of information for how to make moral choices. I didn't love the video, in part because I hate watching movies and in part because it seemed like it was about classifying the kinds of choices people make rather than talking about how to make good choices. (I understand that part of the problem is defining what makes a "good choice".)
For clarity, here is the problem that the speaker posed:
There is a train going down the track, and you are driving. You see five guys working on the track ahead. You try to put on the brakes, but they don't work. Suddenly, you notice that it is possible to go onto a side track where only one guy is working. Do you continue on the track you are on and kill five people or do you turn and kill only one? What if you aren't driving the train, but instead you are watching from a cliff over the tracks. A fat guy is standing next to you also watching. Do you push the fat guy onto the tracks to stop the train, saving the life of those five workers?
Anyway, I spent a lot of time going over in my head these questions. They were unsatisfying, because the options were all bad (and stupid). I sometimes take a long time to come up with what should be simple solutions. This was one of those cases. Finally... FINALLY, I realized that the speaker was presenting two options as the only possible options, when in fact there were an infinite number of options. Of course, he was trying to make a point, but the point that I got was what we'll call the Kobayashi Maru revelation.
In Star Trek, the Kobayashi Maru test presents a student with two options: you try to help and fail or you don't try to help and fail. No matter what you do, you lose. All options are bad ones. However, as with the train questions, in reality there should be possible ways to resolve the situation. It won't necessarily work out best for everyone, but everyone doesn't have to lose. You don't have to kill the workers. Most obviously in the train questions, why can't I just use the horn/whistle? If I'm driving a train, surely I must know something about trains and train safety. I roll my knowledge: trains skill to come up with a solution.... If I'm an observer, if it is actually true that one body will stop the train, even though the difference in mass is enormous between a guy and a train, then can't I throw myself onto the tracks to save those guys? In Star Trek, Kirk showed that the test could be reprogrammed, but more importantly, Spock came up with what he felt was his own solution that didn't involve cheating (although it did involve him dying).
In politics and in other places in life, we are often presented with two incredibly crappy options and told that we have to choose. (More recently, I've been told that I don't have a choice and just have to do what someone tells me, but anyway....) This technique is used with small children when you want to give them a choice but don't actually want to give them a choice. It seems to work pretty well with adults too, as I often fall for it. Or at least get all upset about having to choose between two really crappy options. I take my choices very very seriously. In fact, I take almost everything very very seriously, so being put in a position where I have to do something that is immoral is _really_ upsetting to me. Going forward, I'm going to try to remember that I always have more options than the ones being presented to me. I'm pretty sure that allowing oneself to be tricked into choosing from a very limited list of crappy choices (or even a long list of crappy choices) will not lead to happiness. I might also have to rewatch Wrath of Khan. I will definitely get a tattoo of the Kobayashi Maru.
Of course, on Facebook, this has devolved into a nasty fight. The House bill is delayed, because the increase in pay is problematic. The Senate bill, supported by the mother of a volunteer who died, is being rushed through without a pay increase or DoL reforms. Clearly, everyone wants volunteers to get help. The problem is that most likely if the DoL-related reforms don't get included now, we'll never see them. This is disappointing for me, but I have already constructed my life in expectation that these things will never happen. However, there are a good number of really sick former volunteers who desperately need these changes. However, the debate has gone down the road of "you are against volunteers if you don't support this bill". It is sad to see us fighting each other over the scraps the government throws us.
In partially related news, my fasting blood sugar has been creeping up. That is bad. I'm sure that you can imagine how I feel seeing it slowly rising, knowing that every point it goes up is one step closer to the day I'll need insulin. I had started taking vanadium again to try and force it back to normal, but it was making my stomach hurt and wasn't helping my blood sugar. I also was noticing an increase in my anxiety immediately after taking my vitamins. I thought that splitting them into two doses might help, and it did. Then, I got disorganized and missed the second dose (of vitamin C, niacinamide, and vitamin D). I had more energy the next day and less anxiety. That was new. I have been cutting back on vitamin C anyway, as I wasn't sure it was helping (even though previously I thought it was). My teeth are starting to recover, which is really nice, as the front ones had lost all their smoothness.
After missing my vitamins, I started to get more mefloquine symptoms, like being really fussy about being touched. However, the next morning, my blood sugar was back to being just a tad below normal. Yesterday, I repeated this, taking only 1000 mg of C, 500 mg of niacinamide, and 1000 iu of D, and once again, I was fussy last night about being touched and having anything near my face or ears, but I think I'm experiencing less anxiety, and my blood sugar was just where it should have been this morning. I'll continue to adjust my vitamins, but this is at least a very useful data point.
In other partially related news, I've been having a terrible time controlling my eating. My anxiety spikes when I start running out of/low on calories, and I don't care enough about my weight to stop myself from stuffing myself full of almonds, peanuts, coconut, and cheese. Now, these are all high fat, low carb foods that aren't going to spike my blood sugar (because I don't have a death wish), but I still gain weight quickly when I eat and eat and eat. I think my calorie requirements vary by the day, so one day my menu plan will be enough, and another day it won't be. I need to eventually come up with a way to handle these changing requirements. For the moment, to get myself under control, I'm trying having a "cheat day". I hate this idea, because a healthy diet shouldn't require a day off. I'm clearly doing something wrong. I probably need to add more fat, but with my weight already higher than I'd like, I'm unsure if eating more fat is really the solution. So, anyway, cheat day. After one week of trying this, I have to say that it helped a lot. I am no longer required to have an infinite amount of willpower. Now, I can say, "No, you'll stuff yourself with almonds on Tuesday." Almost immediately, my cravings go away, and I calm down. And yesterday, Tuesday, I did stuff myself with high fat, low carb treats. I might need to plan my menu for Tuesday to take into consideration that I'm going to be full by dinner time, which means that I need a tiny dinner. However, I didn't actually gain much weight, and I'm less stressed about my eating. So, cheat day works for now. I need to lose very little weight, so in about a month, I'll have to increase my daily fat intake, but at least for now, things are working.
Now, onto a different topic that we fight about on Facebook: politics. I'm not actually going to talk about politics, but I was pleased to finally have an answer to my question, "What do you do when all options you are given are bad ones?" You might remember that I previously mentioned watching a video series and trying to find other sources of information for how to make moral choices. I didn't love the video, in part because I hate watching movies and in part because it seemed like it was about classifying the kinds of choices people make rather than talking about how to make good choices. (I understand that part of the problem is defining what makes a "good choice".)
For clarity, here is the problem that the speaker posed:
There is a train going down the track, and you are driving. You see five guys working on the track ahead. You try to put on the brakes, but they don't work. Suddenly, you notice that it is possible to go onto a side track where only one guy is working. Do you continue on the track you are on and kill five people or do you turn and kill only one? What if you aren't driving the train, but instead you are watching from a cliff over the tracks. A fat guy is standing next to you also watching. Do you push the fat guy onto the tracks to stop the train, saving the life of those five workers?
Anyway, I spent a lot of time going over in my head these questions. They were unsatisfying, because the options were all bad (and stupid). I sometimes take a long time to come up with what should be simple solutions. This was one of those cases. Finally... FINALLY, I realized that the speaker was presenting two options as the only possible options, when in fact there were an infinite number of options. Of course, he was trying to make a point, but the point that I got was what we'll call the Kobayashi Maru revelation.
In Star Trek, the Kobayashi Maru test presents a student with two options: you try to help and fail or you don't try to help and fail. No matter what you do, you lose. All options are bad ones. However, as with the train questions, in reality there should be possible ways to resolve the situation. It won't necessarily work out best for everyone, but everyone doesn't have to lose. You don't have to kill the workers. Most obviously in the train questions, why can't I just use the horn/whistle? If I'm driving a train, surely I must know something about trains and train safety. I roll my knowledge: trains skill to come up with a solution.... If I'm an observer, if it is actually true that one body will stop the train, even though the difference in mass is enormous between a guy and a train, then can't I throw myself onto the tracks to save those guys? In Star Trek, Kirk showed that the test could be reprogrammed, but more importantly, Spock came up with what he felt was his own solution that didn't involve cheating (although it did involve him dying).
In politics and in other places in life, we are often presented with two incredibly crappy options and told that we have to choose. (More recently, I've been told that I don't have a choice and just have to do what someone tells me, but anyway....) This technique is used with small children when you want to give them a choice but don't actually want to give them a choice. It seems to work pretty well with adults too, as I often fall for it. Or at least get all upset about having to choose between two really crappy options. I take my choices very very seriously. In fact, I take almost everything very very seriously, so being put in a position where I have to do something that is immoral is _really_ upsetting to me. Going forward, I'm going to try to remember that I always have more options than the ones being presented to me. I'm pretty sure that allowing oneself to be tricked into choosing from a very limited list of crappy choices (or even a long list of crappy choices) will not lead to happiness. I might also have to rewatch Wrath of Khan. I will definitely get a tattoo of the Kobayashi Maru.
